The Journey So Far

I've been thinking about doing this for a while. For now, it's just personal. I don't know if I'll ever share this. But I don't want to forget this journey. Despite everything that has happened, I'm still so hopeful. I've always been an extremely optimistic person, probably to a fault. Because I really just try to forget the bad things. I bury them deep and pile on the good stuff until the good is all that I can feel. But this is important because I know it has changed me (definitely for the better) as a person. And it will continue to change our lives in the biggest way possible as we try to bring our child into this world.

This is a journey through the entire spectrum of emotion. Gut-wrenching, heart-breaking, can't-catch-your-breath sadness to what I can only imagine is unexplainable, life-changing, heart fulfilling happiness. I can happily say we're on the way up, but still have a ways to go.

We're a little over two years into this, and I often forget how tough it has been. It usually takes a doctor or nurse (or my mom) saying something like, "oh my gosh, you have been through so much!" to shock myself back to reality. Most of the time, I'm living in a future fantasy world of being pregnant or having a baby. For example- we are going to Las Vegas in November. When we originally made these plans, I was telling myself that if everything goes right, I could be 4-5 months pregnant. Now, if everything goes as planned, I should be about 3 months pregnant. Or even trying to think about next year, I'm convinced we'll have a baby by then so I think it's pointless to try to make any sort of travel plans. I recently told Greg that having a baby is literally all I think about. That is not an exaggeration- it consumes me. And I don't think that's a bad thing. My ship has sailed as far as "don't think about it, just see how things go, it will happen when you least expect it!". Actually, that ship sunk. Crashed, burned, crumbled to pieces, and sunk.

I have no control over what has happened. There is nothing I could have done to prevent what has happened. I've asked my doctor several times if there was any way to prevent these things from happening, just to make sure. There's not. I really needed to hear that. I would drive myself crazy with the "what-ifs" if I didn't constantly remind myself that there is no going back and nothing can be un-done. I know I'm kind of a control freak. And I'm sure the uncontrollable things that have happened only feed into my need to control anything and everything that I possibly can. I'm conscious about my nutrition and how important it is for my body. I have been religiously taking one of the best pre-natal vitamins on the market for the past 2 1/2 years. I workout 5-6 days a week. I'm extremely cognizant of my sleeping habits and pretty crazy about making sure I'm getting to bed on time and getting enough sleep. I spend my free time absorbing health and wellness podcasts and books. I think I'm doing a pretty good job at controlling almost everything there is to control with myself!

I guess this isn't the greatest introduction, but it's where I'm at right now and a glimpse into my headspace at this point in time. I've had a bit of hesitancy with getting this page started. Like I mentioned, it's been over two years since our first tragic event and what started all of this. So I'm worried that I won't accurately recount everything or won't convey the correct emotions that I was feeling at the time. But that is also why I need to do it now because more time will continue to pass.

I also want to mention that I've become very open with sharing my story. I don't get into it with random strangers, but I've connected at the most random times and random places with many women who have gone through some of the same things. It's therapeutic to talk to someone who 100% understands some of the feelings and rollercoaster of emotions. There's also an education aspect. What I've gone through is considered rare. So while it was happening, I truly didn't think that it could be happening. Because it was rare! Does that make sense? It nearly killed me and definitely would have if it wasn't for my husband. I really think if I would have heard a story like mine before, I would have realized how serious of a situation I was in and would have done something about it much sooner. Unfortunately these things do happen. And the more women I talk to, I see how often some of these anomalies occur. Yes, it can be very hard to talk about. But again, I am so beyond hopeful for what the future holds and if someone can learn something, or gain some hope from hearing my story, I'm willing to tell it.

My plan with this page is to lay it all out in a full, detailed timeline starting from January 2021 up to present day- July 2023. That will likely take multiple posts over several days or weeks as I dig deep for those pure memories. Then I will add real-time updates as things continue to progress. I'm about a month away from my next big "event" so I hope to be all caught up by then.

Until next time!